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Where have I�gone wrong? Why are my friends sooo terrible. I�just donapos;t get it. I donapos;t understand why things are going the way they are.
I started this year with such plans to change how my life had been. And somehow instead of making it better it somehow got worse.
I�mean my life has always not been....to social. Thatapos;s just been how itapos;s always been. But I�usually had at least a few good friends. This year I decided that needed to change, that I�needed to talk to people more and make more friends and just get out of my shell and help my social life. And instead of that happening, I�have no one. Everyone is just assholes, backstabbers, or too busy screwing the person theyapos;re dating to pay attention to anyone else. WHAT�IS�WRONG�WITH�PEOPLE? And as for being nice to people well that got messed up on day one, because I find out people in the theatre dept., where I�spend pretty much all my time, hate me because a story that isnapos;t even true So it was already a lost cause, and then I�got attacked by other people about my ex with lies heapos;s telling because he doesnapos;t wanna fess up to what he did to me, so itapos;s easier to make it look like my fault. So I tried to drop my defenses and start new, and I�got attacked by everyone And this year...Iapos;m also sick of fake friends. Ya kno the ones who are backstabbing and just too concided to be a real friend. So it was my own choice to let some people go. apos;Cause I mean..they werenapos;t my friend anyway, we werenapos;t hanging out. Nothing So whatapos;s the point of being nice to people who are being a jerk to me. And idk, some people just became assholes.
But I just donapos;t get it, Iapos;ve not been mean to everyone. Iapos;ve tried to be nice, Iapos;ve tried to talk more, to be more involved .And people are nice back...but Iapos;m not making friends.
And itapos;s not when itapos;s hard. Iapos;m falling apart, I�canapos;t even find people to sit with at lunch. I stay hidden in the library so people donapos;t know. I�hate to admit how lame I�am right now And I donapos;t know why. And worse I�donapos;t know how to change it I�just want this all to change, I�want things to seem like theyapos;re coming together instead of falling apart. I�feel like the world has blown up and the light has gone out and Iapos;m now staning alone on a tiny piece of the earth in the cold and the dark, alone and scared and confused..and there is no one there No one on the way Just...alone
And this year, unlike last year, I�canapos;t find anyone to date. Itapos;s ironic. Last year I�wanted the time to be single and get over the past and just, ya know, enjoy the first year or college and I�just wasnapos;t ready to date. But this year Im finially ready to move on and...no one. This year guys want to be my friend. WHERE�WERE�YOU�LAST�YEAR Or theyapos;re already dating someone. Or if they do like me...theyapos;re just too dorky and just...not my type. I�mean maybe I"m just being, ok I know I"m am, waaay to picky but I�just donapos;t wanna drop my standards. I did that once and I�ended up in a really bad relationship and I donapos;t wanna do that again.
This just isnapos;t my year. My dreams are falling apart, I donapos;t know what I�want to do with my life, I have no friends and no hope for a relationship right now. I�have nothing. Life is so empty. Itapos;s just one of those time...I�just wish...things would start to look up.

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Lingering.
Breathing.
So much youapos;re believing.
Tingling.
Thinking.
I wish I was seeing.

While you glue the bricks to the wall,
Quivering next to the bathroom stall.
Searchlights going, you leap before you look.
We gaze up to see what kind of gates you shook.

Irksome dancing clouds the mind,
Recording what they couldnapos;t find.
Ink sums up their time achieved.
Smokestacks choking their will to breath.

Oozing.
Choosing
Get out of her chair.
Walking.
Wandering.
It doesnapos;t seem fair.
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Another week at the job ...

and my illness is not a problem - it was always going to be dangerous in the first week or so, but I have passed the critical period, and actually fit into my new work environment very well.

My first tribunal hearing in this job is in a weekapos;s time - a union member is disputing her failed selection process for a job, so I have to appear before the Merit Protection Board and argue her case. She has a good case *nod*

In the meantime, Iapos;ve rediscovered that I make strange noises at work. The other day, I went "La-La-La" at the top of my voice and someone at work commented. Although they find it amusing, I donapos;t want to be labelled the apos;eccentric oneapos; Iapos;ll have to watch my utterances.

Unlike in Sydney, my flatmate and I are endeavouring to explore Melbourne and itapos;s surrounds every weekend. You all know the places weapos;ve been and seen - this weekend, we plan to explore Fitzroy :o)

Of course, the following weekend will be busy moving and preparing the house for the return of its owners.

Love you all *smooooooooooooooooooochies* :D

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When someone has pass on,
what do you feel?
was there any last word you want to say to him/her?
what was the last image play in your mind when you think of him/her?

why im saying this, because i just watch a show that is sad and their teacher died.
really sad.
well that is that.
things are done.
it cannot be turn back.
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when you have it,
never back down on it.
keep striving forward and achieve even more
improve on what is�weak,
compromise with misunderstanding.

Mostly, stay cool and clear�mind�in every decision you are making.
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Cant wait to see the future holds for me (:
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